I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
