I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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