Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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