he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
