Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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