I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
