wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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