So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
