I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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