did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
