Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
