The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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