New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's never too late to be topless.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
