Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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