Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize