On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
