There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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