So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
