I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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