I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
