I'm so fucking centered right now
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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