Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
