I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
