Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I checked into jail on foursquare
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My vagina is officially offended.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
