Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
