One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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