I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize