I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
high people should be assigned attendants
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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