You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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