the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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