Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
