K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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