I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
