I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
