I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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