I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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