i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
