You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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