When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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