sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
