Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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