i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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