Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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