I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Randomize
