I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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