I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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