My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize