Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
