I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
no, he came in my armpit
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
