I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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