I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
