i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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