A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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