I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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