Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
