She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
